This year I was crowned Fantasy Football Champion after defeating my good friend and co-commissioner @opong86 in the finals. It’s hard to express the gratitude I have towards my players, whose incredible feats of athleticism led to my decisive victory over almost all who opposed me. This allowed me to take home a nice chunk of change, but more importantly this triumph has given me the right to talk smack without hesitation for the next year.

You may think that this post is in fact a manifestation of my new ability to gloat with reckless abandon… and you’re probably right! However, to understand why I’m going to such lengths to tout my success, you have to learn a bit of history.

After several seasons of playing in a number of different fantasy leagues, I was on top of my high horse. I won a championship the first time I had ever played fantasy football, thanks to being a devoted listener of the Fantasy Focus Football Podcast and a follower of the great fantasy sage @matthewberrytmr. I had made the playoffs in almost every league I had participated in. This all contributed to the fallacious notion that the fantasy gods would always smile upon me — but I couldn’t have been more wrong…

In 2013, I decided that I had enough of the bush leagues, and that it was time to start my own elite league. I wanted my league to be unique and challenging, since all of the others I had played in had been relatively standard. To accomplish this, I decided to make it a twelve team, two Quarterback league, with three divisions and point-per-reception scoring. There would also be bonus points awarded if players achieved certain benchmarks (like 100 yards rushing or 400 yards passing) and for big plays. Each division champion would advance to the playoffs automatically, the remaining three playoff spots would go to the teams with the best records. Surely, after making all the rules and recruiting all of the league’s participants my fantasy conquests would continue…

I am not sure how many of you have heard of the Commissioner’s Curse, but in the inaugural season of my new league I experienced a blight upon my fantasy team that had never been seen before. I finished with a losing record and was placed at the very bottom of the league. Never did I think that in fantasy I would experience such a fall from Grace. It got so bad, that I was even dubbed The Cooler, since my very presence seemed to erode the chances of my friends winning their own matches. My talented film making friend @jledy along with many other people in the league were quick to kick me while I was down. He even made this video to throw salt in the wound:

It’s sad to say, but the next year wasn’t any better. In the first couple of weeks, I had already sustained injuries to my top players. I was once again at the bottom of the league and, as you most likely predicted, The Cooler moniker lived on. My friend aptly portrayed this in yet another video, this time depicting me as the the evil Mr. Freeze from Batman and Robin:

Suffice it to say that after years of bad luck and being trolled relentlessly by my friends it was time for me to make a statement — lest I lose faith in all of my fantasy capabilities. This year, after drafting players including Russell Wilson, Jeremy Maclin, and Toddy Gurley my voice was surely heard. After going 3-4 in the beginning of the season, I won every single game, resulting in the longest win streak in league history.

So, leaguemates, this final paragraph is dedicated to you. As I sit here wearing my crown I hereby issue the following demands: First, I want my trophy that I was promised. Second, I want another video… but this time it should be with me being really awesome and doing incredibly cool things, like jumping over a locomotive or saving a damsel in distress. At the very least, this time superimpose my face on top of Arnold’s while he’s flexing as Mr. Universe, or something! You should all know the Champ is here, and he’s here to stay.